Experience is the best teacher. It is also the most humbling teacher as well. Seven weeks ago I gave birth to our first child. A wonderful little boy who has filled our lives with so much joy and love simply by drawing his first breath. Before having him here with us I was certain I would be able to balance a weekly blog post with a newborn, find small pockets of moments in the day to write and read and generally carry on as I had been before. I can feel all mothers who may be reading this have a tiny little giggle at my expense, and I also know that they are all understanding. It has been more than a month since my last post. Almost two months since my last hiatus comeback post. I never imagined just how much not only our lives would change with a newborn, but how much of an energy shift, a perspective shift, would also take place.
Being so in tune with another being's every need, and being the one to provide for each of those needs as they arise is so humbling. It is also incredibly gratifying which makes it difficult to recognize and accept that I still have things in my life that do not revolve around him. Herein lies my daily struggle, one we are all familiar with, and in this context all mothers are intimately acquainted with. Lately I have felt such a pull back to my writing and blogging. Infeeling this pull away from my beautiful new baby the mom guilt is so strong. All I want to do is hold him and stare at him and be with him every single second…but… I also want to put him down to sleep in his bassinet to write and read and interact on our socials, which makes me feel horrible.
In short I am in that limbo of struggle of new motherhood - of having one singular identity, and being aware of the other facets of my being that still exist - of loving being a mom and being completely fulfilled by that and also wanting to retain some identity outside of that role. A struggle I know from other women never really fades. However, what I do know is that we adapt to encompass all parts of ourselves, we morph and evolve to become new selves. My life may look completely different from what it was pre baby, but that doesn’t mean there is no space for other pursuits. With that said, it is now my goal to post two to four blogs a month and eventually bring back the newsletter, though completely overhauled.
Being adaptable is the only way we can hope to grow. With new roles and new love we don’t have to cut things out or lose anything. Instead we grow to encompass what comes and we shift our priorities, but growth means more, not less. We do not have to lose anything. We gain more. We adapt to balance who we were and who we are and who we are becoming. A creative life, I believe, is the best way I know to go about growing to become the best mother I can be. To be the best mother I can be I know I need to continue to fill my cup. I fill my cup through my creativity. I know there are only so many hours in a day - I’ve left teaching dance for now, knowing that when I do have to return to my career in pedorthics I want my child to be the priority for my time in the mornings and the evenings and every minute in between.
At this time adaptability looks like giving myself grace when I don’t create because I prioritize the needs of my little one and making memories with our family over my personal creative practice. I am adapting, again, to not having a singular creative space, but creating as I can and where I can.
I know I need my career (eventually), I know I am called to be and must be and choose to be the best mother I can be to my child. And I know that the only way for me to do those things is to embrace and adapt my creativity into my new life in ways that serve my family and myself.
So while I struggle in these early stages, with all of the best support in the world, I know that I can and will adapt my practice to suit our life as it looks now. For the blog that means decreasing post frequency (which we are all used to by now), but to be more consistent in that infrequency. I thank you for your patience and continued support. May this next chapter of the blog be the most honest and introspective yet.
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